Ecstasy of St. Gemma: 46-50
The Ecstasies of St. Gemma, a powerful testimony of faith
Ecstasy 46
He enjoys seeing Mary Most Holy again; Please send S. Gabriele back to her, always assist her and enrich the Giannini family with graces. She ardently desires to fly to heaven (Cf. P. GERM. N. II).
[Saturday 25 August 1900].
Mom!… Mom!… But, Mom, are you leaving me like this?… Oh Mom… I can’t be without you… Oh my Mom, you couldn’t have arrived in better time!…
But, Mamma mia, how can I be happy?… you don’t come anymore. Poor mom!
Do you remember the day you ascended to heaven, that you took my Heart away? . Tiello always up there… always with you… My goodness, she has everything next to you… Do you think that a daughter can spend so long without her mother… My goodness!
Yes, my Mama, I feel a little bad… The Confessor wouldn’t want it… he feels my head, but it’s not the pain of Jesus…. Both of them willingly [I suffer them]. He feels me a little strong.
O Mother!… But not even I, Mother, am I happy with you… I haven’t seen you for fifteen days!… My Guardian Angel is bad!… why punish me? What did I do?
A curiosity?…, I don’t remember. He tries to come to you; that Angel there is too severe.
Indeed, give it to me tonight [the Guardian Angel], and do not leave me…
But no, I’m silent tonight… O Mother, but I can’t be without you. O my Mama, if you wanted and if you could send me Brother Gabriel without Jesus knowing…
But Jesus doesn’t know him… .
O my Mama, my Mama, assist me with the Confessor, so that I never do anything that might displease Jesus… And then, o Mama… and then obedience forced me to do something this evening… O Mama my, the Confessor asked me a lot to pray for this family… I already did. All all; I’m not looking for details, I can’t find any… Do you see it? Do for yourself what I cannot do: many thanks, an infinite number of thanks… Mother, do you understand me? an infinite number of thanks. If at times Jesus wants to give them some proof, tell Jesus to show himself merciful over them… You can reach where I cannot reach…
Do I have to tell you, Mama mia? When I feel a little bad, I’m all happy…; and… and, the Confessor doesn’t want… But who is holding him back? And you, my Mama, would you like me?
But, when Jesus comes… But you too, O my Mama, tell him: I want to go with you.
But if the Confessor doesn’t want to give it to me! I’m annoying him… But he would take me to Heaven straight away, if he could get it for me.
My mother, I would always like you; I don’t want to let you go anymore… O Mother… my, take me with you to Heaven… Mother… I can’t be without you; Do you see how much you make me suffer?… I need your heart. Yes, I look for you every day to pour the painful beats of mine into your heart… But if you wanted! Don’t leave me… don’t leave me… When will you return, Mamma mia?… How much pain your distance costs me!
But how, when do I want you? O Mother, don’t leave me: I cannot be without my Mother. Mom!…
Ecstasy 47
On the advice of the Confessor he insists on Jesus that the Passionist monastery in Lucca be built quickly (Cf. P. GERM. la. XIV).
[August 1900].
As long as I want, O Jesus; as long as you hold me back, Jesus, I can too. All those things that I do at night, the Confessor allows me, if you are happy; everything you taught me, I do everything. However, he is afraid that he will trouble me; so, Jesus, think about it.
He says [the Confessor] that he insists on you to join the convent; because he doesn’t willingly send me away, because he says that I’m bad and that he wants bad souls close by. He says don’t make me pray. Don’t you see, Jesus, how I am, that I am so sick? hurry me the day.
The Confessor said that he has a great desire to see this great work completed. It was you who put this great desire in my heart, think about it. Will you promise me everything if I am obedient? Yes, I will; but you keep what you promise.
Yes, it’s true, Jesus other times not even a drop [of blood]. I see them, you know, Jesus, your hands, but I can’t.
It’s true: I don’t feel afflicted, like the other times the Confessor took these things away from me. I suffer a lot, but obedience is worth more than the victim.
I can’t go there anymore [to the Confessor] until Sunday morning, I can’t go there anymore.
It also allows me this: whatever you tell me, it allows me everything; what never takes me away is prayer.
He will appear tomorrow: who will you ever send me? Don’t be afraid, Jesus; that no person in the world will ever be able to separate me [from you].
Ecstasy 48
To Jesus, who is about to move away from her, she shows all her love for her and asks for help during the time of trial. How wrong are those who say that suffering is a misfortune! She wants to be a Passionist and Jesus seems to assure her (Cf. P. GERM. N. XXIII).
[About September 20, 1900].
Jesus, I was waiting for you…
Far from afflicted, Jesus; I’m actually happy… You’re about to leave me, is it true, Jesus?… but not to let you see me again? I can already feel your distance. What will become of me, Jesus? But why, Jesus, don’t you answer? How did I offend you, Jesus? Maybe I deserved… If you gave me life as a gift, what is it worth to me if I lose you? What good is it to me to live, love you and die?
How many times do you want me to repeat it to you, that I love you more than my life, that I don’t care about you? But don’t you see it? to have you, Jesus, I renounced thoughts… everything… I had found a heart, but not anymore. Or what is the thing, Jesus, that most forced you to leave me? Perhaps this too strong affection, that attack, Jesus, that I had with that person?… Come on, tell me, Jesus: how are you offended? Won’t you keep my heart pure?
So, Jesus, will you leave me? When I no longer see you, Jesus; when I no longer hear your voice, don’t forget my poor soul… Jesus, think of my poor soul, help it in times of trial. You see, my Jesus, how weak I am in virtues; when you have moved away completely, when I will no longer feel you, when I will no longer feel your blood circulating in my veins… Oh, if before leaving me, oh Jesus…! I would like to die here of love; but that no one knew… Saints of heaven, lend me your affections; you tell Jesus, because he doesn’t listen to me anymore; teach me how to love Jesus…
And still resist, Jesus, to see my heart that desires so much… and not be able to satisfy my desires!… Everything bores me on earth, Jesus; I don’t desire anything, only to love you, Jesus… Don’t make me sigh anymore: I want to die, I want to come with you. Come, Jesus, let me bring my heart, which is so frozen, close to yours which burns… Oh how cold I feel, with you!… A little fire, Jesus, a little fire!
Other things, Jesus… But why, Jesus, hide things from you, since you can see the most secrets of my heart? But still, Jesus, if [the sacrifice] was necessary to see you happy… be happy, the sacrifice is done. Didn’t I come into the world to always cry? Every day is strewn with crosses. O holy cross, I have embraced you! The devil would put me in mind…
It’s true, Jesus, if I think about what I went through as a child, as an adult, I always had crosses; but how wrong are those who say that suffering is a misfortune! But tell me, Jesus, why do you never talk to me about what is about to happen?… Tell me one thing, Jesus… Wherever I go, I will always be happy, if I can cry and suffer for your love… The your silence, Jesus, is also mysterious! I ask you one thing: if I were not a Passionist, remove it from my heart: what a cruel thorn this is!… And it wasn’t you who put it in my heart.?…
Once again, Jesus, let me hear this word… How… how, Jesus? How do you want me?
Another time, O Jesus, this word came into my heart… Jesus, another time and then more… How will I be, Jesus? how do you want me?… how, Jesus?… Repeat it to me one more time, which perhaps, Jesus, will be the last time.
I’ll see you again, Jesus, tomorrow. Help me, Jesus, in these moments of trial… But I want a great grace, Jesus: I always feel like crying… I don’t know why. I’ll see you again, Jesus, tomorrow… Promise me, so I can sleep all night.
Ecstasy 49
Jesus hides and she anxiously searches for him; she longs for the moment of uniting with him forever in paradise (Cf. P. GERM. n. XVI).
[Towards the end of September 1900]
O Jesus… Jesus… Jesus! I’m no longer with Jesus, no…
Jesus… oh Jesus, here are the hands… here are the heart… here are the feet… here is life: what do you want?… life, oh Jesus?… Oh Jesus… oh Jesus! Where is my Jesus?… I’m going to Heaven: it’s better, yes… Oh Jesus… oh Jesus, I can’t wait either: I can’t stand it any longer… I’m sleeping, Jesus, but in the meantime.. I suffer, Jesus, yes…
O my God, my Jesus near! Isn’t it time, isn’t it time, Jesus? Or where is Jesus, God of my heart?
Have you come, Jesus? My Mama will not make you, she will never make you go away again… Beautiful angel, go and tell Jesus that I have no hearts… my Mama has my heart…
Doesn’t Jesus know who my Mama is?… Oh, Jesus knows! That Jesus, as he is, doesn’t give me all the consolations that he gave me every other Friday? Go ahead and hide: I’m ready for anything. You think I don’t see anything? But Jesus is with me; but he doesn’t console me like before…
O Jesus, in Heaven with you; yes, let go Monsignor… let go, Jesus, oh Jesus!…
And yet, Jesus… oh Jesus, I can’t. Oh, if I can’t, Jesus!…
Blessed Jesus… blessed Jesus, leave me alone… I’m fine now, yes, Jesus, I’m fine now… I’ll do it tomorrow morning. Jesus, are you happy?
Beautiful angel, Jesus hides from certain things, think about it… What does Jesus want? Beautiful angel, help me… My angel, I have written many things… take care of it, my angel, my angel. Dear Jesus, in Heaven! Yes, Jesus, to Heaven, but soon, soon, I’m going with Gabriel. Jesus, where is he? yes, I’ll come soon, I’ll come.
Don’t be afraid, Jesus: I will always love you always. You don’t see it until daylight, I think of you; As soon as it gets dark, do I love you all the time, Jesus? You have proof of this, dear Jesus: here I am at the sacrifice. I don’t know how to do it alone, Jesus; no, just just no, no, just no.
Or what was today, my God? Love and pain, oh dear Jesus. First I felt pain and then love. Or what was it? I can’t explain myself, Jesus; and it was love… there were many things..
Be careful, Jesus, do not allow my enemy to deceive me.
No, I don’t want any kisses, Jesus: my father doesn’t want them. No, I don’t want to, walk away.
How good it feels to be with Jesus! O Jesus, I am ready for anything.
Or what does Jesus want? Now tell him that he wants: I didn’t even understand… Tell Jesus that I am ready for anything, Jesus.
What do I want, Jesus? Mind you, I want it: a perfect pain and then away.
Yes, I have committed many sins; I would almost say that every beat of my heart… But I no longer have a heart… Tell me, Jesus, no one expects it: in Heaven with you, Jesus!
What Jesus says… what Jesus says… what Jesus says.
Ecstasy 50
She no longer has love to give to Jesus; if she had a thousand lives, she would give them all to him. She is the victim, Jesus the sacrificer. She accuses herself of some faults; she would willingly die immediately to go with Jesus (Cf. P. GERM. n. XXXII).
Thursday 18 October 1900.
Don’t look for love from me anymore, Jesus, because I no longer have any. I only have one life; but if I had a thousand, I would give them all to you. Don’t you remember, Jesus, the pact we made together?
Only two things, Jesus: some useless thoughts and some lies, Jesus; and then I would come with you straight away.
Don’t reproach me, Jesus: I am your victim on the cross, on the altar. Dear Jesus, but if I had to choose, I would choose on the altar; but I am your victim… But wait, wait, Jesus; wait, Jesus… wait, wait.
Don’t you know, Jesus, that I am your victim, and you must be my sacrificer? Don’t you see, Jesus, that even in the most painful moments it is I, Jesus, who live with you, or is it you who lives with me?
Life, Jesus? And how many times have I given it to you!
I have only two sins: a few useless thoughts and a lie or two.
Jesus, I cannot make you a more voluntary sacrifice than this. How willingly I would give you my life, my dear Jesus!
I don’t see you, Jesus, but I hear you; I feel you are close: and you always ask me for sacrifices. Don’t ask me for the sacrifice of my life anymore… Now, now, even now [I sacrifice it to you], Jesus.
I have only two sins: I make the confession to you, as if I felt you.
But no, my Jesus, they are alone; I have satisfied my last debt to you, what else do you want?
O Mother, my Mother! Dear my God, take my life away from me now, Jesus; take it off me now that I’m ready! My life is in your hands, Jesus. I love you so much, Jesus, and I give you my life.