Ecstasy of St. Gemma: 41-45
The Ecstasies of St. Gemma, a powerful testimony of faith
Ecstasy 41
Seek anxiously for Jesus; she would always like to live to suffer with Jesus so much and love him so much. The distance from Jesus is the greatest pain for her. She prays for sinners and says she is ready to suffer for them (Cf. P. GERM. N. XVII). .
Thursday 19 July 1900.
My Jesus is near… O Jesus, and yet I feel you… O Jesus, why make me suffer so much?… Come… come, Jesus; I feel you, you are near… Jesus… Jesus… Jesus!… O… Jesus.., O Jesus!… O my God!… O God, Jesus!… O Jesus, how much you suffer!… (and here she fainted).
O Jesus… do you no longer remember?… do you no longer remember, O Jesus, that I am there who wants to suffer with you?
No, Jesus, I’m not tired: try, you’ll see.
Yes, Jesus, I want to suffer, but suffer together with you. Whenever you like, Jesus, whenever you want.
O Jesus, but I always want you; but I really wish, Jesus, you wouldn’t leave me alone… I want to suffer with you… just one hour, Jesus.
O Jesus!… No, Jesus, I don’t even want to die, no… I want to always live to suffer so much and to love you so much… O Jesus, but do you still love me?
O Jesus, but you have suffered so much!…
But how, Jesus!… Try, try, you’ll see… Don’t you see, Jesus, that my only desire is to help you [to] suffer?
Now, now, even now, Jesus… Oh yes, Jesus! even now… My body is ready, I am all ready… So do you still love me, Jesus?
O Jesus, I forgot that tonight… do you understand me, Jesus? Don’t abandon me, like you did…
My Jesus, I cannot… Just one hour…. just one hour, Jesus…
Whatever you want, Jesus. I gave myself to you: consider me as yours.
I looked for you a lot, Jesus, I looked for you in many places, I never found you… But you were alone, Jesus; you have no one… Many souls, it’s true, Jesus, who are dearer to you than me, it’s true… But I too, Jesus, I too want to be good; yes, Jesus. O Jesus, I love you so much!…
You suffer, you know, Jesus, you suffer a lot when you love a person [and] you can’t always be with them. Most of what I suffer so much is when you are far away from me.
But do you really love me, Jesus? I have many sins, I have many defects: tell me, don’t I pity you?
Then obtain the grace for me: I want to go to a convent… I haven’t done anything of what you told me, but what can I do?
Yes, since you want it, I promise to do it, to reveal everything to the Confessor or whoever he wants; but help me. O Jesus, I spend many moments in pain, but I also spend moments of happiness… O Jesus, who should I pray for?
You yourself, Jesus, recommend sinners to me… Remember, Jesus, that they are all children of your blood.
Do you suffer for them? Me too, oh Jesus… Jesus, she’s coming back tonight.
Yes, Jesus, I suffer willingly, but with you, with you close to me; because next to you there is almost nothing to suffer; but not alone. She comes back …
But if I pity you, why do you leave me alone?… Jesus, Jesus, come back; I want you, I want you tonight; don’t leave me, don’t leave me.
Ecstasy 42
He wonders how there can be a heart that does not beat for Jesus. He would like his voice to reach the ends of the world to invite sinners to enter the Heart of Jesus. He who truly loves suffers willingly; he desires martyrdom (Cf. P. GERM. nn. VII and XV).
[Friday 20 July 1900]
I despise them, I don’t want them. Blessed Jesus! Blessed Mary!… Blessed Jesus and Mary!… Oh! are you or… Can’t you see, oh my Jesus, that I’m confused? .
But can there be a heart, my Jesus, that cannot beat for you?
There are some, Jesus, there are some… Oh, what more could you do for me? I asked you to be my father, and I obtained it; I asked you to feed me on your flesh every day, and I obtained it… I ask you another thing, Jesus… But you see it: I ask you to hide me from everyone’s eyes…
Yes, to be even more humiliated, to be neglected, to be held in no account, as I am now. Indeed, Jesus, something that afflicts me so much…
Oh yes, Jesus, I’m telling you, because I asked you to be my father and I got it… From what I think, Jesus, it seems to me… I don’t know, my Jesus, how to tell you… I don’t know, my God: I should be grateful, oh Jesus… do you understand me? What do you want? I seem to live only to give trouble to others; and almost this morning I forgot you for a moment.
But I know, Jesus: you told me that the greatest sorrow is ingratitude; but I deserve it, but what about you?…
Or what are you doing, Jesus? After so many things you’ve done to me, do you go so far as to reveal your heart to me? Oh, if all sinners came to your heart!… Come, sinners; do not fear, because the sword of justice cannot reach us here… But why, Jesus, does your heart, so good and so holy, have to be more tormented than all?…
[I am willing] to do anything, Jesus… O Jesus, but why every time you come in front of me, do you make me burn all over?
Oh, beautiful!… O Jesus!… You see, Jesus: I would like… I would like, O Jesus, that my voice would reach the ends of the whole world… I would call all the sinners, and I would tell them that they all entered your heart…
Oh, tell me, Jesus: will there be a heart that doesn’t feel completely full of love?… If there are any, Jesus, teach them to me.
And those crazy people make you cry so much?
O God!… Is it possible, Jesus, that you say this to me?… But I am wrong… Blessed Jesus and Mary!… .
But maybe I love you, Jesus? But can’t you see that I offend you?… But strong, Jesus, make me stronger… Jesus, in this month I want you. love so much. Don’t you, do you remember that this month the Confessor made me promise that I would love you more?
Oh yes, Jesus! he who truly loves willingly suffers. Oh yes, Jesus, now that I am with you, I would have so much strength… Now I want to tell you… I would also have the desire for martyrdom, I would have so much strength; but when you’re gone, I fall back into the usual weakness…
What are you saying, Jesus? that I’m small?… Am I big? I do this because I’m bad, oh Jesus…
Jesus… Jesus… let me come, let me come with you…
And when… when will you want me, Jesus?
Soon, but when?…
Ecstasy 43
She holds a friendly conversation with the Guardian Angel, begging him to tell Jesus that St. Gabriel will send her soon. .
Tuesday 7 August 1900.
… So why is he staying so long? . Or why tonight, now not? There’s still too much…
And yes, I have everything in mind about what I have to tell him… But I wanted it now; I wanted this moment so much!…
Or yes, does Brother Gabriel have some great things to recommend to me? I also have many things to tell him. But what do I have to do to prepare?
But does he want to come too? Or then why doesn’t Jesus please him? Tell Jesus that he suffers a lot waiting.
But then why, if he also wants it, doesn’t Jesus send him to me?…
But should I believe it? but will he really really come? he will come and take me with him, will he take me away from here?
Or how long will I always have to wait? .
What do you ask me?… Do I love him?… But how can one not love Brother Gabriele?
Don’t deceive me, it’s true?… But when?… Or tell me now… but soon!… But when?…
Indeed, Jesus… do you want to reward me… O Jesus, what shall I say about you, since you hide?…
Oh yes, I will obey you! But how can you not obey Brother Gabriel? … But if he has great things to tell me, Jesus will help me …
But come on, hurry: will I get there this evening?
O yes, you promised me tonight; tell me again…
But if he wants it, why doesn’t Jesus please him? Tell Jesus that it is a mortification and a burden to me to deprive myself of Brother Gabriel.
Oh yes, I love her so much! And before Jesus it was he who showed himself to me, and then Jesus came…
No, the more I love Jesus, and then the Mother of Jesus and then him….
And I will kneel at his feet, and then I will tell him many things… but let it be soon. But why doesn’t Jesus displease seeing me die like this from desire? Tell Jesus a little: if he doesn’t mind, I’m happy…
Or what should I do to prepare? But, as Jesus says many times, I have many things that make him pity…
Why are you leaving me already?… Repeat to me the words of last night and this morning too… then I’ll let you go.
Do not you remember? You said: “Gemma, be good, I’ll be back soon.” Tell Brother Gabriel to bother Jesus so much, to let him come quickly… Tell him to come quickly.
No, first I love Jesus, and then his Mother, and then Brother Gabriel…
Ecstasy 44
With contempt for her, she distances herself from the devil, who would like to persuade her not to confess. She invokes the protection of the Most Holy Mary (Cf. P. GERM. N. XIII). .
[Saturday 25 August 1900]
Don’t pretend so much, because I know you today; liar!… Ouch!…, I told you you were a liar… Liar… liar!… Don’t you think that Jesus doesn’t let me know when it’s you? Even get angry, get angry; here, take these… Just get angry! they are yours…
Yes, I will go there, to confess, yes I will go… Everything, I will say everything, yes… everything to spite you… O Mother… My Mother!…
But why do you have to repeat it to me? Yes, I will always confess.
Superb to confess?. Indeed, I will always humiliate myself… But why are you so worried?… Liar, I know that the Confessor is secret… Liar, you never guess one…
But what do you need? What do I have to do for you to leave me alone?
Mama mia, where are you? How long have I been waiting for you! Mom, it’s Saturday!… Oh Mom!…
Go far away! I will confess anyway and I will be sincere in spite of you… yes, I will be sincere in spite of you. Ouch! Go away… go away!…
You feel it, but it will be the first thing I talk to him… You’re annoying me, and then you don’t want me to talk about you?… So leave me alone.
Liar, I assure you that this will be the first thing I will talk to the Confessor… But if you want me not to talk about it, why are you bothering me?
And you ask me?… yes, I will confess to spite you… yes I will confess.
My Mama, don’t let him conquer me!… Oh yes, I will confess, yes, yes!… My God!… O my Mama, where are you? Don’t you know that today is Saturday?…
Yes, yes, in spite of you, I want to confess, I want to be honest… Ouch!… .
Ecstasy 45
Another conversation with the Guardian Angel, who gives her some advice for the Confessor (Cf. P. GERM, n. XIII).
[Saturday 25 August 1900]
I’m scared… Or why leave me alone in these moments?… It’s not true, you know, that you were there: I turned around many times, and I never saw you.
If I’m honest? And yes, I will say everything.
I know, I know: I know what the first one is, it’s the one from yesterday.
It is not true; that’s the first… Don’t fool me!…
Yes, I understand correctly: the first one, yesterday’s, talks about P. G. [= P. Germano].
But how do I do it?… Don’t make me say it like that… But you think so! Oh, tell Jesus that it’s not true, it’s not true that [the Confessor] neglects me… But why tell him that? Oh, he knows it as much as… [he does for me].
What a shame to tell him like that!… But do you think I’m going to tell him like that!… I won’t even repeat it to you: I’m ashamed… I’ll tell him like this: Did Jesus say it or did you say it?
Yes, I will tell him like this, that many times he didn’t want to take advantage… But send him inspiration immediately; if not, he doesn’t understand me.
And now that I have to tell him I understand, I understand: I will say this that he doesn’t want to take advantage of any means… But what can I do? He’s sorry…
Oh, yes! I would rather disgust the Confessor than displease Jesus.
Sincere and obedient? I understood everything. Oh! I’m going, yes.
I didn’t listen to him at all; but he was dressed just like you…. Don’t give him your dress anymore, eh!… Make him come dressed like a devil; if not, at times I believed it… Does Jesus want more?
When I’ve confessed, will you come back and tell me if you’re happy?