Ecstasy of St. Gemma: 36-40
The Ecstasies of St. Gemma, a powerful testimony of faith
Ecstasy 36
For the love of Jesus she says she is ready for any sacrifice; she would like to suffer everything so as not to see him suffer. What would she not do to prevent sin! What afflicts him most, however, are her sins (Cf. P. GERM. Nos. XVI and XXIV).
Friday 18 May 1900.
Jesus… Jesus, I can’t… My Jesus… Jesus, no blood… I can’t, Jesus…. But you, Jesus, can do it. You would make me disobey.
Oh yes, Jesus, but so, so much!… Don’t you know, Jesus? I told you that for your love I am ready for any sacrifice. O Jesus, love you and suffer! Oh how many times in these days I have made the sacrifice of my life! Don’t you really want me, Jesus?. O Jesus my God, mercy of
all my sins!… Today, Jesus, forgive me, because I didn’t want to come; However, Jesus, don’t listen to the body: the spirit is ready. Everything you want, Jesus. Oh good! I have learned to make sacrifices these days. O Jesus, go happy; That…
I know, Jesus, what the big sacrifice is: the one, which is the greatest of all, I make.
Oh yes, I’m happy to do them! And what wouldn’t I do for you, O Jesus? That sacrifice that you are close to making me make, I asked you myself. O Jesus, how big it seems to me! If I think about it, Jesus, I am dismayed; but I do it, because it seems to me that you want it. Is he near, Jesus?
O Jesus, I feel it, I feel it is near, the moment of sacrifice is near. How do you want me not to sacrifice myself for you?… I, Jesus, from here on out want to love you… You have seen for yourself, Jesus, how much I have suffered for not being able… I, Jesus, I would not want to make you suffer more: I would like to suffer it all… I hear those blasphemies, Jesus, that hurt me so much.
Who is it, Jesus, that gives you so much pain?… O Jesus, the sins, the sins! What would I do to prevent sins!… O Jesus, I would do so much to prevent them, but I am not capable. Jesus, for your blood, for your pains…
I feel, Jesus, the weight of my faults: they will be the ones that hinder me… Yet many times I have confessed them to myself, and I never manage to amend them. O my Jesus, for your blood, for your pains, I no longer want to offend you… Ah, Jesus! what afflicts me most in this world are my sins…
Ecstasy 37
She is enraptured by the beauty and goodness of her Most Holy Mary, who gently invites her and makes her rest next to her (Cf. P. GERM. N. II).
Thursday 24 May 1900.
What is today, Mama mia? Oh, where am I?… O my Mama, where am I?… O my Mama!… O beautiful, beautiful!… O my Mama, but what is today?
But can’t you see me as I am?…. I’m so bad; I recognize myself as unworthy, my Mama, and these things do not console me, they afflict me. But if I were worthy, I would like to come with you, I would like to get closer…
But what is it, Mamma mia, today?…. No, I don’t want to stay here…. I am not worthy, Mamma mia, of being in front of you.
I would come, I would come, but… but can I, can I call you by the sweet name of mother?… My mother, I have been disobedient and I have been so proud… I have offended Jesus many times.
Even so, am I your daughter?… But I also have another [sin], which if I tell you will take me away immediately, my Mama.
But then you move away, after that you don’t want me anymore… Oh my mother, I have been so immodest in the past…. Can I still hope to call you by the sweet name of mother?
But how do you want me, Mother, to come with you today… to bring me closer to you?… Oh Mother, do you want me to come?… How can I resist?… Oh my Mother… My Mother, how can I?…
Oh! now… oh my Mama… my Mother, I no longer have… I no longer have anything to desire… now I am… I am happy, oh Mother… My Mother,…. Leave it, Mother mine, that I can tell you something: I have so many things to tell you!… Oh, how well I rest next to you!
I can’t tell you anything: I’m too happy!… Oh my mother, doesn’t my heart tell you a lot?… Mother… My mother… think of that lady you love so much… think of save my soul…
Ecstasy 38
Humbling himself before Jesus, he asks for help against the attacks of the devil; she then prays to the Most Holy Mary to take her soul and hand it over to Jesus, to always act as her mother, to appease Jesus towards sinners and to protect all those who do good to her (Cf. P. GERM. nn XIII and III).
Sunday 27 May 1900
Where do I have, Jesus, the desire to suffer so much for sinners? Where, Jesus, is the abandonment in you? O God!… I find myself confused, O Jesus, before you… Don’t you see that I also get confused before creatures?
Oh yes, Jesus! I know that my love has been imperfect… O Jesus… Jesus, the only desire of my heart, or what will I do if you are taken from me?
Many times, Jesus, you taught me this! Jesus, help me! Did you see it last night? Didn’t you see how [the devil] tormented me? Did you see what he made me do? If you had not helped me, that writing would have gone into the hands of the Confessor… I always have it with me, but I destroy it… Oh, it deceives me!… How can I, Jesus, not let myself be deceived?. .. What he wanted me to believe!… Jesus, he wanted to make me believe that you were a tyrant… My Jesus a tyrant?… So, my God, all the time I spent in praying is all time wasted? She tells me again that the Confessor deceives me; so for the words of the Confessor I will have to get lost?… Help me, oh good Jesus! Tell me!…
Mamma mia, Mamma mia, I am your daughter; no one in the world will be able to separate me from you… Saints of heaven, come… lend me your heart… lend me your affections… I am before the Mother of Jesus, and I don’t know… O Saints of heaven , don’t you have any love for me today?… My mother, I want to love you so much; the soul no longer belongs to me: it is yours. Take it, Jesus, my poor soul; deliver it to your Mother, and I will not even fear hell.
I know, Jesus, that you are worthy of being loved above all things… Jesus, before taking it let me confess, do you see how ugly it is?
Oh, don’t talk to me about hell!… O Heaven, Heaven!… Jesus, I won’t give it to you today: look at it, how ugly my soul is. Self-love, Jesus, who has ruined the whole world, would like to ruin me too… Jesus, let it go away: I find myself too confused.
What a shame, my Jesus!… Take it, Jesus, but hide it… O God!… My Jesus, hide it, so that no one sees it… Jesus, take it away from me… I can’t anymore, Jesus …Jesus…
O God!.. Leave her to me, Jesus, leave her to me before handing her over to your mother.
But is disobedience, Jesus, such a serious evil? God! and what is that? O God!… Jesus, I can no longer: take her away. I will no longer ask you why you abandon me… And is there more, Jesus?
But I can’t stand it anymore… Far from Jesus… My Mama… let me see Jesus: I am yours… I am yours, oh my Mama… Have mercy… on my great sins.. I am your daughter, Jesus says so… So, Jesus, my soul no longer belongs to you?… Think of me, Jesus… Don’t you want me anymore, Jesus? Jesus, do not abandon me: console me, help me in times of trial…
O my Mama!… oh good!… But now, o my Mama, come as Jesus came: Jesus came almost every day.
Yes, you are my Mama… Oh! I know a mother like she does with her children, and you will do the same… Who am I to be treated like this by you?
Do you see me as weak? You have mercy on my weakness. Can’t you see how poor I am in virtue? You help me: you see the needs of my soul. You see, my Mama, many pains are preparing for me. So, come on, let me go to the convent. After Jesus this is my desire! You see, if I were in a convent, I would happily go towards the crosses; but not like that!… Do you see how I spend my days and nights? Have mercy: tell Jesus, tell him… My mother, my only hope is you; If you don’t listen to me, then I have to abandon myself? See: Jesus gave you [my] soul, but I also give you my heart: can’t you see how afflicted it is?
I have so much to recommend you!… and the Confessor always tells me that you pray for him. I would like Jesus to give everyone the knowledge of me; then, they wouldn’t say it anymore if I prayed…. One thing, one thing, Mamma mia: Jesus is so angry with sinners; tell him: above me, yes; but not above them… Another thing, my Mama, which I must recommend to you: a soul so dear to you. Or of course, she won’t be afraid to appear before Jesus… Do you know, Mom, who I want to recommend to you so much? All those who do good to me. I won’t remind you of the name, because I am afraid of having a dispute with Jesus, as he has done many times… I must recommend another thing to you: the Confessor wants you to also support my body…
Ecstasy 39
She prays to Jesus to free her from the devil. Her only comfort is to suffer for Jesus. She would like everyone to know her miseries and despise her (Cf. P. GERM. Nos. XIII and VII).
[June 1900].
O Jesus, I want a grace from you today, I want you to free me from that bad guy, without the Monsignor doing everything he wants to do. Not so as not to suffer…
But then promise me never to be offended… Come on, Jesus; reassure me again: Blessed Jesus! Blessed Mary!.
Don’t be afraid, Jesus; these words will be my defense; I won’t trust anyone unless they repeat these words to me first. Let’s say them together: Blessed Jesus and blessed Mary!
What a difference I find there!… I have so many things, Jesus, to confide to you… I have so many things, Jesus, to tell you, that I keep them hidden here… I suffer, you know, Jesus; but no one knows: I suffer alone.
Oh no, I don’t mind suffering; indeed, Jesus, in the midst of so many pains that I have, I have only one comfort, that of being able to offer you something. But do you really love me, Jesus? But, if you love me, free me from that rascal, before Monsignor does what he wants to do; but come, Jesus, assure me again: Blessed Jesus! Blessed Mary!… I always suffer, but more so when that rascal approaches. Come on, send him to hell… And yet, Jesus had been commanded by the Provincial to never come at me again.
Oh, how many [my sins] are there… But do you mean, Jesus? I’m not begging you to free me from temptation, no; but come on, Jesus, send him to hell. Come on, Jesus, take it off me… Long live your Cross, O Jesus, long live!… But do you love me, Jesus?
Oh yes, Jesus, I want to love you so much, but always. Oh yeah! I stopped the day before yesterday, I stopped loving you for a while…
Me too, Jesus!… But then, my Jesus, don’t you ever get offended when I do all those nasty things?… But this morning, Jesus, did you see, my Jesus, what I did in the confessionary?
Oh no! I wouldn’t have wanted to, and I never would.
Don’t be afraid, Jesus: I will always be like this in humiliation. But I do, Jesus, who know myself; but not everyone, Jesus, knows me.
And who is he, Jesus, that he knows me?
Not the Confessor too? Or what are you waiting for? And how did you, Jesus, make me known to Father Germano first than to the Confessor?
But I, Jesus, wrote to him; I did everything you wanted. O Jesus, but if everyone knew me, they wouldn’t come and tell me to pray; because, you see, when I hear those words, I get confused. Please me Jesus: may everyone know me.
I see it, Jesus, that I am small and I am weak… Oh, do you want to make me big, Jesus? No no, there are many souls, who serve you better than me.
O Jesus, am I talking to you today? Come, Jesus, assure me that… it is always you: Blessed Jesus and blessed Mary!
Are you going away, Jesus? do you walk away? But you leave me so happy.
Isn’t he a mystery? The mind has other thoughts…
Or what has happened, oh my God? Blessed Jesus! Blessed Mary!.
O Jesus, I ask you for forgiveness. I will be stronger; do not fear. Yes, Jesus; yes, Jesus, I will be calm, but come on, take me away…
I feel happy… Isn’t it a mystery, Jesus?…
Ecstasy 40
She thanks Jesus who makes her free from the devil and who fills her with ineffable joy with his presence. She prays instantly for a sinner. Rather die than fall into sin. She longs to be the bride of Jesus (Cf. P. GERM. Nn. XXV and I).
[About July 10, 1900].
Today my Jesus with me! Speak, my poor loved ones. Or doesn’t my heart tell you much? Don’t you see how many sighs he gave? I thank you, Jesus, that for three days I have been free [from the devil]; Jesus, the Confessor also thanks you…
Jesus, I looked for you so much… Where were you, Jesus?… Let me stay with you a little, Jesus, today… let me enjoy your presence, leave me close to you, because for many days I cannot more [enjoy].
And today who was it, Jesus, who made me enjoy your presence, who was it? the Confessor? maybe your great love?
So many things, Jesus, so many things… Tell me, Jesus, doesn’t my heart tell you a lot with its sighs?
I suffer, Jesus, I suffer… but I tell you laughing, don’t you see?
No, Jesus, I have moments that I suffer, and now that I am happy…
Yes, Jesus, there are some happy moments on earth. Being with Jesus, what a consolation, Jesus!
When I find myself in your august presence, the anxieties I feel immediately disappear. O Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, a little more of your lovable presence!
Ah, Jesus!… Jesus, I commend my poor sinner to you very much. He is mine, Jesus: imagine if I don’t want him saved!… yes, Jesus, my poor sinner…
I know, Jesus, I know it makes you cry… but you know, Jesus, in these moments you shouldn’t think about his sins; you have to think about the blood you shed. How much mercy have you had with me, Jesus! All those subtleties of love that you used with me, I beg you, use them also with my sinner.
Oh yes!… imagine, Jesus… think, Jesus, there are three of us who know this… Remember, Jesus, that I want him saved together with me.
It’s been so long, Jesus, that I wanted you… first for me and then for my sinner… Jesus… oh Jesus!…
O Jesus, how scary, how scary that evening! May I never lose your grace!… How beautiful it is, Jesus, to see a soul in your grace!… Let everyone see it, Jesus; so no one would commit any more sins.
Yes, Jesus, here before you once again [I renew] my promises: if I should fall into sin, let me die… If… I should sin, why do you keep me alive? because I want that moment to unite myself more and more with you. Jesus, you make me suffer, I need to tell you: you put things in my mind and then do me like this? . I wouldn’t want this way of suffering.
O Jesus, but still a daughter?… nothing more? I would like to be, I would like… Always a daughter, or Jesus, always a daughter?… I would like to be, I would like… or… Jesus, I would like… or Jesus, I would like…
Yes, it would be too much, too much, Jesus, for me… Do you know what is the thing I desire?… I would like, Jesus… I would like to be, oh Jesus, your… bride, oh Jesus… yes , your bride, oh Jesus!….