Ecstasy of St. Gemma: 31-35
The Ecstasies of St. Gemma, a powerful testimony of faith
Ecstasy 31
He suffers the crowning of thorns with Jesus and asks for strength to tolerate so much pain. She is humbled and amazed when she hears from Jesus that she is enough for him. As a pledge of love she asks for new suffering. Despite the aridity that she feels, she will never abandon prayer (Cf. P. GERM. N. XII).
Wednesday 2 May 1900.
O Jesus!… O my Jesus!… You alone, Jesus, can understand what a pain it is… O God!… Yes, you alone, Jesus… Jesus, you alone… O God! … my head, Jesus!… Forgive, Jesus, to all those who have crowned you… O God!… Jesus… come on… Jesus, I am dying… Jesus, I I’m dying… My God!… .
And then, Jesus, you are so badly reciprocated!… Jesus… I don’t want anyone but you, I don’t want anything but you… you alone, Jesus, and nothing more.
Rest assured, Jesus, that now I will no longer leave you… Is it possible, Jesus, not to love you?… May the world come with all its deceptions… now, my Jesus, you see well that my love is everything to you and your sorrows.
But now, Jesus, if you leave me like this… Jesus, I have no strength left, I want strength, Jesus… Anything else? One more thing: I want courage.
So you say that a very bad future is preparing for me?… But the future is in the hands of God; so I’m not dismayed.
You have so much, but I have nothing… I have nothing, Jesus… that can satisfy you… I would like to do so much, Jesus… Jesus…
Oh Jesus… will you leave me like this? I have many things to tell you! Can’t you see, Jesus, that I need your heart to vent the loving heartbeats of mine?… Jesus, how well I am now, tired of suffering, rest close to your heart!
Can’t you see me as I am?… How do you want me to come before you? I have nothing for you, but I have many things that make you compassionate… They also make compassion for your Mother…
But yes, Jesus, who is enough for me… I only want you, Jesus.
O Jesus, but do you repeat those words to me today too? But then, Jesus, am I enough for you? But don’t you see, Jesus, how I am all full of sins and have nothing but coldness?
I would like, Jesus… something that would unite me more and more to you: I would like to be all yours forever.
Jesus, don’t you see what I want today? Don’t you see what I’m asking you?… Jesus, don’t you understand me?… Jesus, I want you to show me that you love me. Other times, Jesus, when you wanted to make him known to me… [you gave me to taste] the wounds, the thorns. Here I am to you, O Jesus… O God!… more, more, Jesus… more, more… Here, Jesus… now I know, Jesus, now I know.. So, Jesus, you don’t want my body anymore? I would like, I would like, Jesus, I would like so much… but you know how far my strength goes.
O Jesus!… Another thing I want to tell you, O Jesus… when I start to pray, I no longer feel fervor… no one anymore… O Jesus, I no longer have any fervor.
But yes, Jesus, I pray too. Oh, to get tired of praying, not this! What would you say then? What would you say if you didn’t pray anymore?
Yes, every time I start praying… Yes, I will always pray. Jesus, will you leave me?…
Ecstasy 32
Having left Holy Communion for fear of her sin, the devil appears to her to tempt her to despair. The Saint calls Jesus for help; she promises him never to leave Communion again and begs him to come into her heart now (Cf. P. GERM. n. XVIII).
Thursday 3 May 1900.
Hate! No… but I don’t want you… My Jesus, help me!… But not you… I don’t want you… I don’t want you… Oh, where has my Jesus gone? Where are you, O Jesus?… No, no… not with you… take everything away, take everything away… take away, take away… Jesus, I can no longer save myself, there is no more hope …
It’s true, Jesus didn’t enter this morning; but you don’t fit in either,… No, I don’t want you; no, I don’t want you. Jesus, Jesus, take it away from me; Jesus, I promise you not to leave her [Communion] again. Jesus, take him away… away… away! Jesus, don’t allow him to fall into some sin today.
But how, Jesus, do you allow the devil to come in your place?…. Come, Jesus, into my heart, for I long for you. Be quick, Jesus… be quick, Jesus, because my heart wants you. Hurry; or do you see how he suffers? Get that liar away from me…
Jesus, hurry, what. don’t he come… Hurry… Or where have you gone?… Hurry, hurry… You don’t see, Jesus, how. do I suffer? O Jesus, where are you?… Are you far away, Jesus?… Hurry… Jesus, o where have you gone? or do you see it?… Come, Jesus: I want you; take that liar away from me… take him away… O Jesus, where are you?… Don’t you see him? he wants to make me fall into sin…
Ninth; because there is Jesus in my heart. Come, Jesus. come now that he’s not here. Come, Jesus, hurry… hurry, Jesus; Can’t you see how much I suffer? I want you, Jesus; I want nothing but you… Or where are you, Jesus, today?… Why do you leave me like this?… It’s true, I was the first to leave you, but I want you; do not leave me, Jesus, today; ninth.
I go with Jesus… O Jesus, have you not always been my hope?… I will no longer leave Communion; come… come, Jesus; I won’t leave her again.
Go away; I want to please Jesus always; go away. You’re happy because I made you happy, but [not] anymore…
Why do you leave me so alone today, Jesus?… yes, I left you first, but I won’t leave you anymore. Come… Jesus, hurry. Run, run, Jesus; where are you?…Jesus, where are you? Come, my Jesus, come…
Come closer, Jesus… My heart wants you, you know, Jesus; he wants you… Come, Jesus: can’t you see how he wants you? Come, hurry… come, Jesus, come… Jesus, I was the one who left you first, but I won’t leave you anymore; Jesus, come, come closer, let me hear your voice again…
I resisted, Jesus, I resisted, but I suffered. I heard the invitations this morning, I heard everything, but… Oh Jesus, did you see tonight? How was I supposed to receive you?… So, Jesus, forgive me; come, come now into my heart, Jesus… come on, Jesus… It’s yours, come, my heart, it’s all yours; but it is cold and hard.
But can’t you see, Jesus, how much I suffer? let me feel it again in my heart, for then I am happy. Or not, do you see how my heart languishes? All the afflictions bring me down, especially those of last night… Come, Jesus, come now into my heart.
But I left you, Jesus, because I believed I had sinned…
I felt everything you put through me; but I can’t believe it. You see, Jesus, if the Confessor had told me, I would have done it; but he himself tells me that I can’t trust myself. Come, Jesus…
So, Jesus, you haven’t forgiven me yet? If you don’t come, I’ll have to fight with you again tonight. I don’t mind [the fighting] at all; but I’m always afraid of offending you. But Jesus, I won’t leave you, I won’t leave you anymore… Come… But aren’t you sorry to see my heart languish like this from this desire? Hate!…
Ecstasy 33
She asks the heavenly Mother to give Jesus back to her and put the devil to flight (Cf. P. GERM. nn. III and XIII).
Saturday 5 May 1900.
My goodness… here is a moment of peace, after a whole night of contrasts… I am confused today when I appear before you. My sins have risen above myself… You come to me, and instead for my sins you should turn away.
You must make peace between Jesus and me… Other times, my Mama, you were able to hold Jesus back, when he was about to abandon me, and you held him back; still place yourself between Jesus and me… O Mother, may you restore peace between Jesus and me… Tell Jesus that I will be more obedient.
I saw, I saw everything… Mother of mercy, go find Jesus and bring him back to me.
So I will no longer have Jesus?… O God!… My mother!… My mother, do not abandon me. O God, what do I feel!… My goodness, what do I feel! For goodness’ sake!… O God! Are you leaving me?… don’t move away, my Mama: who will help me in this moment?… My Mama… don’t abandon me…
Or what do I feel within myself today?… O my Mama, I am afraid today, I am afraid, because I see you moving away… No, no, do not follow Jesus’ orders. Then I would like…
My mother, are you the one who gives me into the hands of the devil today?… What, you yourself give me to the devil today? How will I do it?
But [for] yesterday wasn’t I punished last night? And now?… My mother, I confess in front of you: My mother, a little anger this morning… but only a few moments, My mother, I wasn’t there within myself… Don’t move away: I’m scared … I am afraid; My mother, don’t leave me… don’t let me be taken… O God, who is this?… Come, go, everyone go away!…
Is Jesus gone too? what!… No… not with you… go away, go away!… My goodness… no, no!… And go away, go away, go away!…
Oh mama! I call my Mama. Or don’t you see me, Mama mia, don’t you see me? Where, where… [did Jesus go]? My goodness, find it, let it be found.
Ecstasy 34
She feels happy staying with Gestì, even if unworthy; she cannot understand how he can call her her delight. She loves the cross, she longs for paradise (Cf. P. GERM. N. XII).
Saturday 12 May 1900.
O Jesus, O Jesus!… Jesus, let me vent to you. Jesus… My Jesus!… After a long time, O Jesus, today I laugh with you… Jesus, don’t leave me anymore. If you go away, Jesus, I want to come, I want to come with you… Jesus! what happiness in pronouncing this word! Jesus, my Jesus! When will it be, O Jesus, that I can unite with you and never separate again?… Quickly break this chain that keeps me united to my body; may you no longer suffer so much if you walk away, Jesus… When will it be, oh Jesus?
Jesus, I cannot get close to you; don’t you see me, don’t you see me, Jesus, what am I like? O Jesus, I have offended you; Jesus, I have offended you so much; my heart is no longer as pure as you gave it to me. O Jesus, but if you gave me this life…
But am I worthy of your love? Don’t say it, Jesus… I cannot be, Jesus, your delight: can’t you see, Jesus, what I am like? O Jesus, but I am deceived; I’m wrong, Jesus.
Jesus, no, my heart is full of thoughts and affections, but of this earth… My thoughts, come, all of you come to Jesus. Yes, Jesus, from this moment on you are the Master of all my thoughts.
I love the cross, the cross alone; I love the cross, because I always see it on your shoulders.
Can’t you see me?… O Jesus, when will I be able to come to you and never separate me again?… Jesus, Jesus, don’t leave me: I have so much to tell you. Jesus, I want to go with you.
Ecstasy 35
He prays and offers his life as a sacrifice to obtain a grace for a person who has been recommended to him (Cf. P. GERM. N. XVI).
Tuesday 14 May 1900.
I pray, Jesus… You see, Jesus: they have resorted to me, but perhaps they don’t know who I am, hoping to obtain something. This too, Jesus? Give it to him, Jesus, give him that grace. If it were necessary for you that I should make a sacrifice to please her… leave me in my affliction, but console her. I feel, Jesus: leave me in affliction always, as long as she lives… O Jesus, but tell me: who knows how much you love her!… So, Jesus, console her. You see, Jesus, I have many things to ask you today for me, and I won’t tell you anything: today only for her.
But don’t you know, Jesus, that there is fury? He wants her right away.
But you, Jesus, must know these things. I don’t care, Jesus, to know [the grace he asks for]; it is enough for me to obtain it, my Jesus, I only obeyed to pray for her; I knew her immediately, Jesus, who was a soul so dear to you.
You are right to say: What’s wrong with her…? Then please her. Jesus, I place everything in your hands; but do it, do it. Or if I could know that she soon got it! Tell me something; Don’t you know I have to answer?
You’re right… you dictate to me, as you have done other times.
My Jesus, today I want to tell you something. She is someone I have never recommended to you; today I really feel the duty to recommend it to you. Jesus, this is the first time I’ve recommended it to you. Jesus… I recommend it to you; Reward her for all the care she had for me. Jesus, I recommend Mrs Cecilia to you. Have you seen in the long time that she has known me how many sorrows she has had on my behalf? … Even from afar she shows that she trusts in my poor prayers; even from afar he always shows that he believes in the games of my imagination…. Come on, Jesus, I would like to demonstrate my gratitude and gratitude in some way; but I don’t know how to do it. She recommended that lady to me: then please her. O Jesus… give her that grace; you see how eagerly he asks me. Please them both. Keep me so much in humiliations; at this moment I feel the strength… but are they happy, I ask you… Tell me, Jesus, what should I do to obtain this grace? I don’t know if such a great grace… But if you needed the sacrifice of my life, here it is… I would be ready… And if it were still necessary that I still had to stay alive… But I wouldn’t take my own life it is sacrifice, it is grace. Jesus, I no longer know what to offer you, I no longer know what to say to you. Be happy with her, Jesus, and keep me in affliction as long as I live. From this moment on I renounce all pleasure; that life is a continuous sacrifice; may you increase my pain; may you increase my humiliations.
Jesus, one more thing: increase the cross for me, extend it to me, Jesus… Jesus, I have the courage to ask you everything… I would like to tell you again that to obtain this [grace], I would still make the sacrifice of being someone else without going to convent; but I can’t say this.
Another comes to mind… You: do you mean who I want to talk about… Everything, everything… Jesus…