Ecstasy of St. Gemma: 26-30
The Ecstasies of St. Gemma, a powerful testimony of faith
Ecstasy 26
He embraces the cross, in which all his strength is placed; he is ashamed of being so weak in suffering; he does not want extraordinary things, but only the pain of sins; he says he is incapable of promoting the work wanted by Jesus (Cf. P. GERM. n. VIII).
[Thursday] April 26 [1900].
O Jesus, you tell me to embrace the cross; where, Jesus? No longer above you, but rather above me. O holy cross, let him embrace you.
Yes, it is precisely in the cross, Jesus, that I have placed all my strength… May I, Jesus, take it now!
Isn’t it about time too? … O God!… But your cross, Jesus!… Jesus… Jesus, forgive me… I enjoy, Jesus, when you hand me the cross.
Jesus, what a weak daughter you have!
Yes, I want it… Yes, I want it, Jesus… Yes, I told you, Jesus, that now my love is all at the cross. I love her, because I know that you loved her first.
O Jesus, these are all pains that I suffer so willingly… But the pain of the boss, if you don’t help me, that is torment.
Yes I want it, I want it all; but you see, it takes a lot of strength for me… What will you say about me, Jesus, that you find me so weak? By now I have experienced: you suffer well, when you suffer together… And then do you know, Jesus, why do I suffer so willingly? Because I’m sure you love me then. The Confessor tells me that you love when you cause suffering. Increase, but give me strength.
Jesus, don’t leave me too, I want to tell you something…
O Jesus… I am so afraid of being deceived… I don’t want these things, I don’t want anything, Jesus. The only thing I want is that you give me so much pain for my sins; but I don’t want anything else: I’m afraid, Jesus, of being deceived.
But are you really Jesus? should I believe in myself?
O Jesus, before speaking about that thing with the Confessor, about Brother Gabriel, assure me too that I am not deceived… I am not deceived, Jesus, really?
But will it all be true? will it work well? Will they get everything they want? What do you want to do, Jesus?
But do you see who I am, and do you come to me for these things? Couldn’t you go to the Confessor? Couldn’t you, Jesus, have Brother Gabriel write me something?
But what should be done? I would like to say so much to Gabriele; I would like to tell him a lot, but I don’t have the courage: he told me a lot the other night…
I know his name and surname, he knows everything.
Ecstasy 27
She shows Jesus her joy for a visit she had from St. Paul of the Cross, who taught her many things and encouraged her to suffer. He asks Jesus with sweet insistence what he wants to do with her (Cf. P. GERM. N. XXI).
Friday 27 April 1900.
Here’s Jesus again!… You haven’t been seen since yesterday; I really thought you weren’t coming anymore.
O Jesus, if you knew who came tonight! I didn’t even think about it being his party.
But you must know that I had S. Paolo. How many things he told me! Do you believe? he made me want to become a saint like him. He has taught me many things that I must say to you: O Jesus, I glory if I find myself in tribulations.
I also asked him if I had been wrong on Saturday; but he told me that unfortunately it is true, and he told me that one of his sons… How much this thing pains me, Jesus! not for me, first for the offenses against you and then also for the Confessor. I recommend it to you, Jesus, I recommend it to you, and if your hand were to weigh down on him, no, on me…
O Jesus, don’t talk to me about this thing anymore; but what should I do with the Confessor? Do you promise me, Jesus, that when I told the Confessor you won’t talk to me about this thing anymore? Not for me, you know, Jesus, you know; but this thing hurts me too much. If I had seen, Jesus, how much it displeased St. Paul! However, he gave me a lot of courage, he told me that it will get even worse. He says that now they are just words, but that then we will also get to the facts, it will get even worse. I have never wanted to be deceived, but now I do. And what will he do? Do you see how outdated we are? . Do you have anything, Jesus, to reproach me?
So, Jesus, I’m happy.
You see, Jesus, when he speaks badly of me: you made him known to me; but, you see, I am not capable of accusing him; you know everything, others cannot know it.
But, Jesus, could you have given me a greater gift? How long there was! there was so much; how many beautiful things he told me! … You know, Jesus, he also told me about that soul that you never wanted to answer me; he told me that he wanted to tell me himself, because you, Jesus, had never wanted to tell me anything, how many times I asked you. Yes, he told me everything, Jesus; he told me what displeases you. How happy I was! O Jesus, how much I would like to tell you!… Jesus, Jesus, strength, because the trials grow on me; but with my Jesus I will know how to win. But I am dismayed, Jesus; I’m scared and crying. Who knows, Jesus, how much I will have to go through! It’s you yourself who tells me today how many times I’ll have to go through.
Yes, I’m happy. Jesus; Don’t you know what it takes to make you happy? Come on, tell me again, Jesus; St. Paul repeated it to me many times: what will you do with me, Jesus?… Tell me, Jesus, what will you do with me?… Tell me, Jesus; go, repeat it to me one more time… Don’t you want to console me today, Jesus?… Go, one more time, pronounce that word one more time, if you can.
I thank you, Jesus; but how, but when?…
Ecstasy 28
After inviting the Angels to adore the Passion of Jesus, she rejoices at the thought that if she will be Jesus’ companion in suffering, she will also be his companion in glory. She prays for one of her enemies (Cf. P. GERM. Nos. XXIX and XXI).
Sunday 29 April 1900
My Jesus!… O God, Jesus!… O Jesus… My Jesus!… O my Jesus, why…? O my Jesus, hear me… To you, to your Passion… O Angels of heaven, come everyone, let us adore the Passion of Jesus.
Yes you know, Jesus… Yes, Jesus, yes you know.
I know, I know, Jesus, I shouldn’t cry, I should rejoice instead. Do you want me to repeat the words of St. Paul to you? I glory, Jesus, in tribulations… many times, Jesus, I break down and cry.
I try, Jesus, but I can’t. Think, Jesus, if it gets worse, I no longer have the courage, so what?
O Jesus, I thank you a thousand times that you make me more and more similar to you. Think, Jesus, that you promised me: if I am a companion in suffering, I will still be a companion in glory.
Jesus, I was slow in telling you something. Jesus, it pains me to tell you, because without your help I would have the courage to take revenge. Jesus, by order of the Confessor I recommend to you my greatest enemy, my greatest adversary. Guide him, accompany him; and if your hand must weigh upon him, no, [burden] upon me; give him so much goodness, Jesus.
Great strength, Jesus, I need it.
Don’t abandon him, console him; What does it matter that you leave me in pain? but not him. I recommend it to you now and forever. If you weren’t the one helping me, I would feel all boiled over; I would like to take revenge, but no, but no; why take revenge?
You know it, Jesus, but I don’t; I would have revenge in my hands, but no; with your help Jesus, no, I will always resist.
Jesus, I should tell you again, Jesus: the Confessor… I would like you to free us both; but no, free the Confessor alone, Jesus; I don’t care.
Jesus, why do you allow this? So, Jesus, would you really have him accused? for what? Me, yes, Jesus, who is right about us, but the Confessor is not. So is it bad if he helps me? Is it therefore bad if he guides me in this way?
Jesus, please don’t talk to me about it anymore; assist him, assist him, help him and console him. Give him so much good, Jesus: double, Jesus, of all that evil (you understand me, Jesus) that he would have wanted to do to me. The Confessor doesn’t deserve it.
No revenge, Jesus, with your help… If you increased these things, who would give me the courage? You, O Jesus; but will this thing end, or will it continue?
And what will I do, and how will I do it?
It’s true, up until now you have always helped me; believe, Jesus, that… You felt today, Jesus, the strength I need! Do you want me to tell you, Jesus? I would have liked to take revenge now that he had been close; I could still tell him that he goes far away. In that moment of anger that I uttered to the Confessor last night…. I wouldn’t have wanted to do it, but in Confession he doesn’t talk about it to anyone.
Every day, Jesus, wants [the Confessor] to recommend it to you; yes, I recommend it: think about it. Guide him, Jesus, guide him, and if you believe well, Jesus, do it, do it (not for me, but for the Confessor), silence him, if you believe well. The Confessor does not deserve these sorrows; I do, and to let you know that I love him, I will take Communion for him tomorrow morning. Maybe he will think about hurting us, but we don’t, we love him very much, very much.
Ecstasy 29
To obey the Confessor she prays to Jesus not to let her bleed, but at the same time she offers herself entirely as a sacrifice, considering suffering too great a grace. She always fears the deceptions of the devil. For a fault committed inadvertently in speaking, she will chastise her tongue (Cf. P. GERM. Nos. XIV and XXXII).
Monday 30 April 1900
Today, Jesus… today, Jesus, the Confessor doesn’t want blood… He doesn’t want it, because tonight I got more blood than usual… O Jesus, I must obey…
Poor Jesus! you have no one to help you… But how dissimilar I see myself to you!… You, for the good you want for creatures, have taken on all the pain, and I have done the same to those who have harmed me ?
Forgiveness, Jesus, to those who have offended you. Jesus… if it’s possible… he drives away. these torments from me; O Jesus, he takes away from me that last kind of suffering, which you sent me…
May your will be done, then!… Jesus… my Jesus… everything, Jesus… O Jesus, but if you really want, if you want me to go down this path, and I also pray to name of the Confessor: he doesn’t want to do anything if you’re not happy…
And what gift do you want to give me, Jesus?
So, Jesus, here are your hands and feet again: everything that the Confessor desires… Do whatever you want, Jesus: I belong entirely to you. For you, Jesus, I willingly sacrifice everything… I give you everything, O Jesus… my soul, my body and my spirit. everything… I give you my heart, Jesus, with all its affections… I give you my body, Jesus, with all its fragility; I give you my soul, but how?… I am no longer mine, Jesus, I am yours.
Tell me, Jesus, aren’t those who say that suffering is loving deceived? It is too great a grace.
Jesus, all the sufferings that you make me know, none of them strike me down as much as that last one; but I am ready for all your wishes.
Jesus, Jesus, don’t leave me, you see it, listen to me. Jesus, I haven’t even told anyone about it. Jesus, could that thing that Sister Angela mentioned to me yesterday morning be true? And will the one from Palmyra be true, Jesus? Answer me, Jesus.
Jesus, am I not mistaken? If instead of Jesus you were the devil, I wouldn’t want it. Send him away.
But how should I believe in myself?
So, Jesus, Sister Angela’s, you assure me not? But she wasn’t sure either.
I thought about it… Indeed, Jesus, because you take me away from that occasion, I make you the sacrifice of my life again; here close to your heart I make the sacrifice of my life again.
Jesus, tell me everything, because I want to tell it to the Confessor. But I repeat, it is something that disgusts me so much. But if you want it, I’ll do it.
O Jesus, what do you order me?… Well, Jesus, do you want me to obey the Confessor?… But teach me.
How can I not talk to anyone?… They force me, Jesus, to talk.
Or it seemed to me, Jesus, that I hadn’t done anything yesterday, Jesus, that displeased You… Oh, it’s true, yes too, if it’s true! But I will punish it, Jesus, my tongue… And punish me even more…
Ecstasy 30
At the sight of Jesus being scourged, she asks for his scourges to be unloaded on her. The pain of the thorns on her head is very painful for her, but she is ready to bear it, she would willingly give her life to prevent even a single sin; she longs to die to fly away from Jesus (Cf. P. GERM. nn. XXVIII and XIV).
Tuesday 1 May 1900.
Poor Jesus!… How many blows, poor Jesus!… There is no shortage, Jesus, of those bad guys, but you don’t lack patience.
Leave him alone Jesus… beat me, no Jesus. Why take revenge on Jesus? Take revenge on me.
Even more, Jesus… more!… O God!… Even more, Jesus!… Increase, O Jesus; increase… Jesus… oh God!… My Jesus, help me in these moments. Jesus, who do you want me to turn to?.
In those moments you, Jesus, had no one… Jesus, forgive me my weakness: today for the fear of not being able to stand it, I came onto the bed. O Jesus, what will you say about me?
Today, Jesus, I did something that displeased you… Today, Jesus, when I had to do the meditation on the flagellation, I thought about it, you know, Jesus… I thought, Jesus, about the pains of the head. I’ll tell you straight: I think about it a lot when that day comes.
The spirit is ready, it’s my body that complains. Yes the spirit is ready, but my body is tired.
Oh! I would like to ask you so much: I would like to tell you that tomorrow you would increase my pain, but it is my body that doesn’t want it. Thorns are the strongest pain; but it is also the longest.
Yes, yes, I want, Jesus, for you to give it to me. How could I resist, Jesus, seeing all your pains?… And my flesh, Jesus, I will take care of not complaining and keeping it quiet… Yes, Jesus, my spirit is ready for any kind of pain … My body would like to cry, Jesus… it would like to cry, when it thinks of the pain it has to endure in its head… but the spirit is ready, Jesus.
Jesus, the Confessor wants you to heal her. Jesus, make her heal before she comes back to confess to me… if not, I need to show her… you know how much I suffer from this. And the other thing, Jesus, that you ordered me tonight, as you want… Jesus, what will I do?… Jesus, to be like a dead body, that I will do; but how will I do the other?… Jesus, I won’t do anything without first asking you… But don’t you know, Jesus, that I can be deceived?
Blind obedience? That one is too dear to me.
My Jesus… Jesus… I want to recommend something to you, Jesus; I repeat it to you, as I told you yesterday: if to escape from that occasion, to stop that sin, if my life were needed, I offer it to you… But it would not be a sacrifice for me to die to unite with you. Indeed, if obedience allowed me, I would like to ask you for grace… What moments, Jesus, what moments!… Yes, Jesus, if the Confessor allowed me to ask you to die… Jesus, do it immediately … Jesus… Jesus, break it, Jesus, the chain that holds me together with my body, Jesus…