Suffering that transforms us and restores our light
A profound reflection on the inner journey and change of those going through difficult times
(by Roberto Festa)
How many times in our daily journey, on the road of life, have we come up against the wall of suffering!?
We have stopped and peered around looking for another road, a path, a piece of trampable ground that would allow us to get around that great wall and thus be able to continue our journey.
Suffering is just ugly: who could ever want to stand in front of it and face it? It makes us feel bad, it stirs painful feelings inside, it can even bring out the worst in us, make us react as we would never want to do. And how much energy it takes out of us!!!
It drains us to the depths, leaves us exhausted, exhausted to the point of not being able to think clearly.
Those who have faith in Christ bring with them stories of how He experienced suffering, and we are left thinking, “Yes, but He was the Son of God, we are only human beings!!!”, “I can never be like Him!”
And we keep looking for the path, the shortcut that will help us get around that wall.
Sometimes, however, it happens that there is such a strong motivation that makes us give up looking for the loophole from suffering, we find ourselves forced in front of that obstacle, looking at it from the bottom up because there is no other choice.
That wall is the suffering of a parent, of our life partner, of our child: whether it is the battle against illness or the battle against an addiction or the even darker battle of depression, we cannot escape from there.
We can only face the climb and try to climb it, looking it in the face and accepting the challenge.
And at these junctures we realize that we are not prepared for that at all. We spontaneously think, “What have I done to deserve this?”, “I have always behaved well, I have always helped others, why does this happen to me?”, and when it gets worse, someone may come to think that God does not listen to his prayers, that he is insensitive to his suffering.
In fact, no one is ever prepared for suffering: our minds are fabulous at planning for us a life of joy and beauty, that the mere dread of it is inconceivable to her. Yet it happens. Right on time. When we least expect it.
For in the end, in making sense of our human experience, suffering is an indispensable element to be experienced. Without a meaningful encounter with it, our soul has no way of breaking through the shell of securities and being laid bare before life and by it being shaped, tempered, fortified and made wiser.
Consider Jesus’ earthly life journey: up to the entry into Jerusalem, it had all been a “smooth” and natural ascent…. There had been a few unpleasant events (the death of Lazarus, which He turned into a joyful event, rants in the temple, squabbles with some disciples), but all of them were minor.
But after the Palms, things went downhill, to the point that in Gethsemane He asks the Father, “If you can, remove this cup from me.” But then he realizes that he, too, must make his own way and face the tremendous suffering that he already knows: “not my will but your will be done.”
There, that is the moment when the shield that protects us from adversity shatters: we no longer have any protection, the soul is naked, exposed, we are vulnerable.
Perhaps, someone around us can help us, but who? These are times when we can’t even ask for help because we feel overwhelmed and afraid.
We hope someone will extend a hand to us, but at the same time we fear him or her because they would see our weakness and limitation, especially at a time like this when everything around us mocks and blames those at this juncture.
We are told that we are only worthwhile if we meet certain standards, and frailties are not allowed.
What to do then? We stand before this wall with our bare hands, we must climb over it, past it, we feel afraid, alone but aware that we must go on. Faith helps us hope and strength, but who doesn’t have it?
Here I am, I got here one day and I can tell you what happened inside me.
I got angry with myself, because I hadn’t thought before that this could happen.
And then I said, “Okay. All right. No matter how long I take, but I have to be strong, gather all my energy (physical, mental and spiritual) and not let anything that may happen get me down. I have to keep going, keep going and make what I am experiencing meaningful and give it to my existence. At the moment, I don’t understand why this is happening, but I trust that one day I will be able to understand it and make sure that other people who are experiencing this can also benefit from it.”
Slowly, the inner disagreements recomposed themselves, the vision I had of that wall changed, because something inside me had changed: my soul, torn apart by exposure to suffering, had hardened itself, understood before me the ultimate meaning of what I was experiencing and encouraged me to continue, that it was the right path, difficult, but right because I had faced it openly.
Over time, various events took place that “tested” me, my soul first, my faith second. Each time, the challenge was tough but, after the always terrible first impact, I looked back and became strong.
Here I am, I got here one day and I can tell you what happened inside me.
I got angry with myself, because I hadn’t thought before that this could happen.
And then I said, “Okay. All right. No matter how long I take, but I have to be strong, gather all my energy (physical, mental and spiritual) and not let anything that may happen get me down. I have to keep going, keep going and make what I am experiencing meaningful and give it to my existence. At the moment, I don’t understand why this is happening, but I trust that one day I will be able to understand it and make sure that other people who are experiencing this can also benefit from it.”
Slowly, the inner disagreements recomposed themselves, the vision I had of that wall changed, because something inside me had changed: my soul, torn apart by exposure to suffering, had hardened itself, understood before me the ultimate meaning of what I was experiencing and encouraged me to continue, that it was the right path, difficult, but right because I had faced it openly.
Over time, various events took place that “tested” me, my soul first, my faith second. Each time, the challenge was tough but, after the always terrible first impact, I looked back and became strong.
I wanted to see it as a challenge to myself, as if it were a “gymnasium” for my soul, an opportunity to fortify it further and make it wiser.
Whenever I have overcome these obstacles, I have always had the feeling that here is the deeper meaning of the Resurrection: you return to your path of life stronger than before; the wounds you have suffered, the sufferings you have endured sooner or later pass away, leaving as a “residue” a greater ability to understand not only your own life, but the meaning of life itself, which in time becomes wisdom.
And the hands that will be stretched out to you at these junctures you can consider them the hands of God if you have faith, true friends if you do not have faith.
You understand what is worth fighting for and when it is just a waste of time.
It is a true resurrection to New Life, because nothing is the same as before, but if you want the after to be better, you really have to want it with all of yourself when you start facing the suffering that life will want you to encounter.
Hating suffering makes no sense, because she is not useless. She is just ugly, painful, unpredictable, even monstrous.
But if you have the courage to welcome her, in that very moment you will see her transfiguration and understand her. Not with your mind, but with your soul, which will recognize her as the one who wants to transform and grow her.